Anxiety Diaries | A year on

This time last year I came across the quote above and clung on to it instantly. I liked the idea of it, of following your dream instead of fearing the repercussions of doing so, but it's only now that I believe I truly understand what it means. It's easier said than done, following your true path and committing yourself to the hidden ambition buried beneath layers of expectation and conformity, but it is so very worth it once you reach the point of having nothing to lose and decide to start the journey of self discovery. 

Last October I took a job as a Careers Information Officer in a university careers service. I felt it was time to move on from working in a school, in the school I had attended as a student. I had been there for ten years and felt stifled. It was time to move on and try something new, and an admin role seemed like a good option. Regular 9-5 hours, a significant pay rise and a great job title to put on the old CV. My parents were proud of me, my fiance was proud of me; I was proud of me, as I'd somehow managed to walk into an interview for a role I'd never done before, only to be offered the job that same evening. I felt as if I had really achieved something, and I liked how 'adult' it made me feel. I was entering the world of 'real work', of offices and high heels, of meetings, deadlines, managing diaries and scheduling appointments. I'm an organised person, in fact I love organising. This role was perfect!

By January I was on what would become long term sick leave and I couldn't see myself returning. I'd been given a huge opportunity, and I was doing well in my new role, yet I couldn't get through a day at work without sitting in the toilets crying and trying to steady my racing thoughts. I felt lost, confused and utterly useless. I began to feel like a dead weight. If I wasn't able to contribute financially to my future with my fiance, if I wasn't able to hold down a job, what exactly was I bringing to the table? I didn't want to disappoint anyone; I didn't want to have to tell my parents I was incapable of going to work like everyone else, that I would look at commuters on the tube and think 'how the hell are you doing this? Why aren't you desperately trying to escape?' It was a constant screaming inside my head; I looked at the world in muffled confusion. I didn't understand why I couldn't feel content. What did they know that I didn't?

By April it became clear I wouldn't be returning to work. My boss was extremely understanding and supportive throughout, ironic because I was convinced he must think I was incapable and unintelligent. My colleagues were kind and supportive, a fantastic team to work with. I was readily accepted into the team, I was more than able to fulfill the requirements of my role and yet I couldn't go back. I think a part of me felt I needed to hit some kind of rock bottom in order to 'allow' myself to start from the beginning, peeling back the layers covering my real dreams and ambitions, and starting over. I needed some sort of rebirth and my brain wouldn't let me go through this process while holding down a job and getting on with the everyday 9-5 expected of me, that I expected of myself. Anxiety snaked itself around me and wouldn't let go. 

Quite often during my time off I'd sit on my bedroom floor, candle lit for meditation, crystals in my hands, pleading and then begging the world for some sort of 'sign'. 'Please, please, send me a sign. Show me what to do. Show me where to go. I'm lost, I'm so lost. Help me.' Have you ever read those true life stories in magazines? The ones where some sort of divine intervention occurs, an Angel appears and suddenly, suddenly, the path becomes clear? I wanted that. I wanted it so badly I'd sit crying, shaking with fury and hopelessness. 'This isn't fair. This isn't fair.' Why wasn't I getting a sign? Why couldn't I hear anything?

Instead of taking the time I needed to work on getting myself better I applied for a new job immediately after resigning. Perhaps the problem was the environment I was in. Maybe I didn't suit an office job; I missed interacting with people, with children in particular. The answer was clearly to return to the classroom. I applied for and was offered a job as a Teaching Assistant in a lovely nursery. The children were fantastic, the staff welcoming and friendly. Within a month I was signed off sick again, and eventually I was faced with either resigning or being fired for breach of my probationary contract. I resigned, and then there I was, finally facing rock bottom with nowhere to run away to and nowhere to hide. 

I felt a strange sense of relief. I had nothing to lose. I had everything to gain. I was ready to ask for help. So began the journey of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and counselling. I think realising and accepting that I had nothing to lose was crucial. I no longer had to maintain the facade of a successful career. I no longer had to pretend I was like everyone else, content and confident in their jobs. I was a mess, but I was also free because I had time to work on myself and sort through my unhealthy thought patterns. I was blessed and lucky to be able to do this and not have to worry about paying rent or managing a household. In many ways it was the best thing that could happen to me. My anxiety was there for a reason, and I was finally ready to listen. 

I've spent the past three months peeling off the layers of expectations, anxieties and insecurities I've developed and adopted from others over the past twenty four years. We all have people in our lives who love us dearly and therefore worry about us. Sometimes they can't help but voice their concerns in the hope that you'll alleviate them and promise them a brighter outcome. We like guarantees. I've learned that it isn't my job to do this; I can't make someone feel at ease with my plans and my hopes and dreams, and I no longer think that this complete support has to come before my success. I'd love it if everyone stood behind me confidently in my plans to develop my tarot reading business and become self employed, but I understand and accept that people have their own sets of worries and anxieties based on their own life experiences. I'm allowed to say 'I disagree'. I'm allowed to say 'I hear you, but I don't wish to adopt your worries.' I can both love and respect those around me and love and respect myself at the same time. 

Now that I have a clear idea of what I'd like to do for a career, of what my vocation is and how I can build upon it and develop it, I no longer feel the need to take on everyone else's worries and 'prove myself' before I've even started. I have nothing to lose, and I have a choice. I can either throw myself back into the 9-5 that isn't at all aligned with my dreams and purpose, in order to have a 'stable job' and 'guaranteed income' or I can throw my energy into living out my real dream and living with peace of mind. Either way, nothing in life is guaranteed. Success, failure, both are a part of life, but I really want to try and follow my dream and see what happens. I know I have a chance at success because I'm telling myself I do. I believe I can do it. I might not know anyone personally doing the same thing, but that doesn't matter! I know myself, and I know now what I'm capable of. I know what I'm here to do.

None of the experiences I've had over the past year have been a waste. I decided to develop my tarot skills as a way of having something outside of work to focus on, something positive. My heart knew where it was leading me; I just wasn't ready or able to accept it fully at the time. It turns out I didn't need an external 'sign' to come along and rescue me, either. I firmly believe the universe knew where I was headed and was gently nudging me along, and I now feel able to draw upon my own self esteem and self belief in order to give myself a 'sign'. I can rescue myself through self discovery, and that's an empowering realisation in an ongoing battle with anxiety. 

'Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it'. I am no longer afraid of accepting my path and listening to my heart. When you begin to do so, doors open, opportunities appear. I no longer feel I need to alleviate the anxieties of those around me by conforming to their ideals and beliefs. It took hitting rock bottom and having nothing to lose to make me realise that I have absolutely everything to gain. If someone suggests, either explicitly or implicitly, that you can't follow your dream and speak your truth, ask yourself 'says who?' What makes their doubt more valid than your belief? 

If you are afraid of following your dream you will walk around with a heavy feeling in your stomach that never quite settles. Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it, and feel true lightness in your heart. 

             

Bloglovin' | Twitter | Instagram