Life | No More Bullshit

Recently I've been thinking about the ways in which other peoples' opinions affect our paths in life. I spent the majority of my childhood and teenage years soaking up opinions and molding myself to fit accordingly. I didn't automatically stop doing this once I become an adult, either.

'You'll never get a boyfriend if you don't learn how to swim properly'

'Good luck getting a job having graduated three summers ago'

'You won't get anywhere in life without a degree'

'You need to study something useful to get ahead in life'

'You just have to accept that no-one is happy at work'

'Depression is just an excuse for being self centred'

'Self harm is attention seeking'

'You're too pale, you look like a cancer patient'

'An engagement ring has to be a diamond'

'Cheryl Cole's tattoo makes her look like a tramp'

'Kim Kardashian looks rough since falling pregnant'

'You can't make the first move'

'Young love won't last'

'It's not normal to be single for so long'

'Dreadlocks are dirty'

'You're too indecisive'

'When will you ever make your mind up about what you want to do?'

'Tarot is evil/nonsense/scary/not to be 'tampered' with'

'Short skirts invite unwanted attention'

These are all examples of things I've been told or have heard at some stage in my life. I could go on. I'm sure you've got your own examples too; words and sentences and paragraphs full of ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT. 

I'm no angel, might I just add. I can be full of opinions and sometimes I don't think about what it is I'm really saying or advocating when I offer my thoughts freely. But lately I've had some sort of epiphany, or perhaps it's just a confidence boost that has come with facing my anxiety head on and making plans for the future that actually reflect my dreams and ambitions. People love to fire off their opinions freely, and that's fine- I do it too, we all do it, we all have a tendancy to give an opinion and put it out there. But what isn't OK is to live your life according to all of these other opinions at the expense of your own. 

If you've ever watched An Idiot Abroad with Karl Pilkington you'll be familiar with 'Bullshit Man'. Whenever Karl hears something completely ridiculous he envisions Bullshit Man swooping in, pointing directly at the person and shouting 'BULLSHIT!' I think we could all adopt some of Bullshit Man's 'cut the crap' attitude! In the tarot, the Queen of Swords is the ultimate No Bullshit woman. If people start giving her slices of unsolicited advice, she isn't afraid to hold up her sword, cut through the cacophony and call out a loud cry of 'BULLSHIT!' 

I've always had a tendancy to worry excessively about what people may or may not think about me and my choices. I put off leaving a university that clearly wasn't right for me for a whole year because I was too scared to tell my parents I wanted to quit. I used to nod along to everything certain dominant and aggressive adults told me and 'advised me' to do when I was younger because I couldn't handle the idea of standing up for myself and disagreeing in an assertive manner. 

When people have strong opinions, and when you generally value the opinions of these people because they're family/friends/a 'professional', you often believe their advice/opinion to be the 'right one'. I've fallen into this trap so many time. The truth is, you are always, ALWAYS, allowed to disagree or decide on a different path of action. Always. 

I'm tired of worrying about what other people think of my degree/job/career path/blog/writing/appearance/wedding plans/relationships etc etc. I'm twenty-four years old and by hook or by crook I'm ready to make my own decisions and stand up for what I believe in! 

I worked with children with additional needs as a Learning Support Assistant in a secondary school for four years and I was driven by the aim of giving a voice to those who found it harder than others to be heard. I fought for the students under my care and made it my absolute aim for them to have the space and opportunities needed to develop their own voice; their own thoughts, opinions and beliefs. It's about time I applied the same aim to my own life! 

This isn't about being a know-it-all, conceited, obnoxious asshole. It's not about being ignorant, refusing to listen to other peoples' opinions or advice. It's not about closing yourself off from outside influences and new experiences. It's about living life in an assertive way, listening and considering but being able to say 'no, thank you.' If someone's being a bully, saying 'No.' Refusing to adopt other peoples' beliefs and opinions unless you feel the same way in your own heart. Having the confidence to develop and stand by your own. Refusing to spend so much time worrying about how other people perceive us when really, it doesn't matter. It's essential to develop and nourish your own set of values and passions. 

Get to know yourself, turn down the dial on how other people think you should live, and live your truth. 

No more bullshit. 

                               

I couldn't have put it better myself!

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Favourite MAC products

My first foray into the world of MAC cosmetics was when I was about ten years old. One of my Stepmum's America friends flew over to London to visit and we took a trip to the MAC store to pick me up my first ever 'proper' lipgloss. I was so excited! I thought I'd want the ever-so-popular-in-the-nineties Clear Lipglass (teamed with 'Spice' lipliner, obvs) but the princess in me couldn't resist a baby pink Tinted Lipglass. I can't remember the shade name but I used that little lipgloss for years and I loved everything about it, from the vanilla scent to the glossy pink finish it delivered. It featured in many of my hand written versions of Shout! magazine, usually in the 'what's in my make-up bag feature'. I've been obsessed with writing about beauty for a long time, it seems!

Nowadays I might not use the same gloss but my love affair with MAC continues. Every birthday and Christmas list consists of some sort of MAC haul, and when I had a little Christmas money in my pocket late last December I went MAC crazy. I also received a few MAC goodies for my birthday last October, woohoo! I've continued to use the products throughout the year and thought I'd share some of my favourites here. 

Sheertone Blush 'Peaches', Cremesheen lipstick 'Crosswires'

 I spied MAC 'Peaches' Sheertone Blush (£18) in my friend's makeup bag and immediately put it on my wishlist, as I love a good peach blush and it looked amazing on her. This is a spring/summer staple for me now. It gives a lovely wash of matte peach-coral and brightens up my pale complexion nicely. I do have to be quite light handed though as 'Peaches' does veer towards the darker tones of peach, meaning if I pile on too much it can look a little, dare I say it, *orange*. I'm quite pale so as long as I'm gentle, it works a treat!

MAC Sheertone Blush 'Peaches'

I picked up a Cremesheen lipstick in 'Crosswires' (£15) as it seemed like a gorgeous red coral colour and it fast became one of my all time favourite lipsticks. The texture is smooth and moisturising and it's a really unique shade; not quite a true coral but not quite a true red. The wide variety of colours on offer is what I love most about MAC, as they always have unique shades that I can never quite track down on the high street. 

MAC Cremesheen 'Crosswires'

Another product I love using is MAC Prep + Prime Transparent Finishing Powder (£20), which I use to set foundation and concealer. Rather than leaving a flesh coloured tint like many loose powders, it goes on 'clear' and mattifies skin while anchoring makeup in place. Again, though, I do have to make sure I'm not too heavy handed with this as otherwise it can sort of dull my skin a little and mask the colour of my base, as although 'transparent' it does have a slight white tone to it. I apply it with a big fluffy powder brush and find it helps my makeup last much longer throughout the day without the need for regular powder or concealer touch ups. 

MAC Prep + Prime Transparent Finishing Powder

Last but not least is my MAC Matte Eyeshadow pot in 'Embark' (£12.50). I use this as an eyeliner on the upper lid when I want a super dark brown colour, and it gives a really natural eye opening effect. We all know I'm a sucker for a shimmery neutral but sometimes you want something a little more bold in terms of colour depth, and having a strong matte brown in your kit is something of an eye makeup essential, in my opinion. I apply this using my ELF Smudge Brush, which helps really pack the shadow into the lash line, adding definition. I'd say it's a little darker than it appears in the photos, although it does have a hint of orange-y earthiness to it- but not too much!

MAC Matte Eyeshadow 'Embark'

Aside from the 'Peaches' blush, which is very much a Spring/Summer shade for me, I'll be welcoming all of these MAC goodies into my Autumn/Winter makeup collection. 'Crosswires' is versatile enough to transcend seasons and should look fabulous come Christmas time; and I love nothing more than a well defined neutral eye, so 'Embark' should also serve me well. What are your favourite MAC products? Have you tried any of the above?

Browse MAC makeup here

Baci e abbracci, 

         

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Anxiety Diaries | False alarm

Anxiety is normal. Anxiety is absolutely, completely, totally normal. If our bodies didn't have an anxiety alert system in place we would have been rendered extinct a long time ago. Perish the thought! 

There are many scientific explanations behind the physical symptoms of anxiety and behind the benefits of such symptoms. We sweat when anxious in order to easily slip out of the claws of predators; we develop a sense of 'tunnel vision' so we can lock our focus on the danger we're facing; our stomach flips and we feel nauseous because our brain is busy pumping blood to our limbs in order for us to make a quick getaway should we need to. 

The problem with having such an intricate and highly developed fight or flight system is that we can be prone to false alarms. Sometimes something sets our body off, whether we realise what it is or not, and we automatically assume there must be something wrong. If my body is telling me there's danger, my mind instinctively understands that I need to find that danger and find it fast! We often unconsciously assume that if our body feels anxious, our mind needs to hurry up and match it. That there must be a reason for our anxiety. Yet this isn't always the case. 

Likewise, sometimes we may have an anxious thought that causes us physical anxiety and anxious feelings such as being upset or scared. But when we take a moment to analyse the anxious thought, we find that it doesn't have any basis in truth. Again, a false alarm, this time stemming from an inaccurate thought. The first thing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy teaches is that thoughts are not facts. Just because we assume something to be true doesn't mean it is. That's a pretty powerful realisation. 

How can we determine a false alarm and calm ourselves down? The key lies in one small question:

why?

A common model used in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is the Anxiety Cycle, which illustrates how thoughts, physical sensations, feelings and behaviours are intrinsically linked. This means that should we think an anxious thought, feel a physical symptom of anxiety, experience an anxious emotion or behave in an anxious way, these four things in turn influence and interact with each other, often unconsciously, leading to a certain outcome.

The great news is that because the stages interact, you can work on breaking the cycle at any point and it will break the other stages! This has been scientifically proven; it actually does work. I've been making a conscious effort to become more aware of anxiety in my everyday life, and I've been asking 'why' as often as possible. 'Why' really is the key. 

It helps to keep a written thought diary in order to start tuning into your anxiety, before re-framing false alarms in order to achieve a sense of calm. The following is a step by step example of an anxiety cycle taken from my anxiety diary. The situation was when I was out with friends for dinner. I filled in the cycle the next day, when I was feeling calmer. 

The thought I was having was that my friends must think I'm weak and unintelligent. This thought was accompanied by physical symptoms of anxiety such as an increased heart rate and uncomfortable palpitations, a sudden headache, blurred vision and nausea. Alongside this were the feelings I was having; the more I focused on the thoughts I was having, the more intense my physical symptoms became and the more upset, disconnected and stupid I felt. The behaviours connected to these thoughts, physical symptoms and feelings included a reluctance to speak and body language that suggested withdrawal, such as slumped shoulders, an agitated expression and difficulty maintaining eye contact. The eventual outcome could be deciding to avoid future social events, in order to avoid such an uncomfortable cycle from occurring again. 

As you can see, each stage is connected and all of the stages fuel each other. For this example I'm going to illustrate breaking the 'thought' element of the cycle, and show how doing so then breaks the whole cycle. Sounds too easy, right? With practice, it really does work.  

In the heat of the moment it can be hard to question your thoughts, and so this was something I did after the event when I was feeling calmer. The first thing I did was ask myself, and note down my answers to, the key question: why? Why was I having this thought and is it based in truth? Simply challenging your thought like this helps give a sense of objectivity and distance. OK, so I'm having an anxious thought... but I'm going to try to break it down a little. I was feeling self conscious because I had recently deferred my final year of study and this meant not graduating for another year; and I was frustrated with myself because I hated the idea of anyone seeing me as weak for doing so, or weak for having panic attacks. This helped answer the 'why' behind the thought I had over dinner.

 I then explored whether my thought, that of 'my friends think I'm unintelligent and weak' might really be based in truth. I suggested to myself that my friends might love me for who I am, and reminded myself that I wouldn't think these things about them so why would they think it about me? Besides, no-one had actually told me they felt this way about me. My friends have always supported me in the past and they know I'm intelligent as I've always been academic and they know I'm simply taking a break from my studies. They have always been supportive and sympathetic when we've spoken about my panic attacks. Evidence suggested that my friends didn't really think this way about me after all. 

The next step was to swap the negative thought for a positive alternative. I went with 'my friends think I'm intelligent and strong, and they love me for who I am'. I then plotted a new diagram in my diary, using the frame shown above. I started with the new positive thought and then imagined what physical sensations I would have, what feelings I'd have, and what behaviours I'd exhibit if I really believed this new thought (it often involves acting, if you still feel anxious!) Finally, what would the eventual outcome be?

The more I focus on the positive alternative thought of 'my friends think I'm intelligent and strong, and they love me for who I am' the more the physical symptoms, feelings and behaviours align with this thought. The stages are connected and feed into one another, and if you take some time to focus on a positive thought, grounded in evidence, and then imagine how you would feel physically, what your feelings and behaviours would be, and what the outcome would be, the more your body and mind start to settle and calm down. 

By questioning your thoughts in this way you're actually giving your body and mind space to breathe. You're giving yourself some much needed distance, simply by considering an alternative. You might not believe the alternative straight away, but that doesn't matter! Even when you're simply pretending, the more you focus on the positive thought and on filling in the diagram, the more your body and mind will respond and start to believe your new thought. 

Asking 'why' and taking a moment to challenge an anxious thought really has helped me to get a grip on my anxiety at times, and it feels incredibly empowering. My CBT therapist explained that using this type of model to challenge potential 'false alarms' is something you can adopt as a long term strategy; you're building an anxiety fighting muscle and while it isn't a quick fix and it requires dedication and perseverance it can and does work. After a while you can move away from noting things down on paper and develop an instant awareness of thoughts, challenging them quickly in the moment. I'm looking forward to getting to that stage. 

I love how empowered it makes me feel when I take the time to sit down and get to grips with what I've been thinking. I'm starting to believe that I can gain some control over anxiety, and it's not something someone else can do for me. I have a tool box and I'm starting to utilise my tools!

I'm becoming better at recognising 'dodgy' thoughts; with the help of my trusty anxiety diary and the Anxiety Cycle model I'm much more often able to say, with confidence:

'Keep calm, it's a false alarm'

                                                     

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