Anxiety Diaries | Time To Talk Day

Time To Change is a programme dedicated to breaking down mental health stigma, led by Mind and Rethink Mental Illness. Today marks Time To Talk Day, during which thousands of people are starting conversations about mental health, offering support and a friendly non-judgemental ear. With this in mind I thought I'd write up a special Anxiety Diaries post, touching on the mixed emotions I've been experiencing recently towards anxiety. Talking is so important when it comes to mental health, so don't be afraid to reach out and start a conversation, whether you suffer from a mental health condition yourself or know someone who does. It's #TimeToTalk

For the past few months I've been feeling ashamed, angry, irritated. I could barely bring myself to say the word 'depression' and I cringed every time I heard the word 'anxiety'. 

I didn't want to be associated with anxiety anymore. I didn't want anxiety to be associated with me anymore. It had ruined enough experiences in my past to make me angry with it, and the spark for my sudden strong anger was realising that not everyone is so receptive to hearing or speaking about mental health issues. Not everyone understands, and rather than accepting this and carrying on speaking about my experiences I decided this must mean I should be ashamed. I should shut the hell up about it. I should stop writing about it. 

Anxiety is a thief. Anxiety is a liar. It robs me of confidence and determination and it tells me I'm stupid, pathetic, incompetent. It tells me there's something wrong with me. It tells me I desperately need to change, that other people recognise I need to change and that I won't ever succeed until I change. I closed the door on acknowledging anxiety and decided it didn't exist anymore. I hated it, so I'd make it go away by refusing to think about it. 

Social situations began to exhaust me. 'Where are you working at the moment? 'When do you finish your degree?' Every question felt loaded. I began to panic about being asked anything about my life, which made me feel even angrier. 'Where are you going to live now that you're married?' 'What's your plan?' 'When are you going to have a baby?' Every time I'd scramble around for an answer I'd remember how anxiety had taken a wrecking ball to so many opportunities in the past, and I'd panic silently about how many opportunities it could destroy in the future. 

Ignoring anxiety felt like the best option. I was sick of it. I felt exhausted by it. I grew angrier. 

I've written a lot about anxiety generally in the past but I've never really pinpointed in detail what my anxiety is all about. I have work related anxiety which means I'm afraid of going to work, of holding down a job, of being in an office environment. I'm afraid of working under the direction of others, of being given too much independence, not enough independence. Of being bad at the job, good at the job, bored with the job, feeling trapped by the job. Of never reaching my potential, of never finding a 'vocation'. Of never being good enough or passionate enough about something. Of people thinking I'm incompetent, too quiet, pathetic. Sounds a little self-centred, right?! Anxiety can be quite the delusion generator! 

I worked as a Learning Support Assistant for four years from the ages of 19-23 and battled anxiety throughout. I'd panic that it wasn't the right role for me; that I couldn't discipline students properly; that teachers thought I was incompetent; that I was wasting my potential as I wasn't given enough freedom. I moved to a well paid role as a Careers Information Officer at a university last year and panic set in almost instantly. I felt overwhelmed with the workload, frustrated by being in an admin role, anxious about answering the phone every five minutes. I panicked that colleagues thought I was too shy, too quiet, not qualified enough. I felt as if I kept making a string of annoying mistakes. I felt permenantly embarrassed. 

Every evening for the first two or three weeks I came home and cried. I felt so, so sad and desperately missed my previous job. I began having panic attacks at home after work and during the day at work. My heart rate became permanently elevated, I had the shakes constantly and I would cry on and off throughout the day, always hidden in the toilets. I would clock watch constantly. Eventually my brain sort of disengaged and I couldn't concentrate on anything. I went to my doctor in tears and was signed off for two weeks. Two weeks turned into four, and then four turned into never coming back. 

I immediately threw myself into a new role as a Teaching Assistant in a primary school. Pretty much from the get-go the same anxious feelings returned, and I lasted little over a month. The kids were amazing, so sweet and engaging, but I felt useless, bored, frustrated, trapped, and as if other people thought I wasn't up to the job. I had a big panic attack on the way into work one morning and quit after being threatened with being fired for poor attendance. 

Urgh. I'm cringing as I type because I feel so embarrassed at how the last year or so played out. I'm worried it all sounds so self-indulgent and ridiculous. I really would like to return to the workplace now, after having Cognitive Behavioural Therapy sessions and talking therapy but I'm still scared and I'm worried about how I'll feel when I get there. I applied for a Christmas job, scored an interview, and then didn't show up. I felt so angry with myself and so ashamed. Had I really made no progress over the past year? Was this really my life still? 

What if I can't cope? What if I feel so self-conscious and paranoid again? Or seem so shy and quiet and withdrawn? It's doubly frustrating because I'm really not actually that shy! Outside of work I'm pretty confident and assertive and articulate. Anxiety leaves me tongue tied which makes me feel even more angry with myself. And even when I recognise the truth behind fears, such as recognising that no job is forever and that actually, I'm not incompetent, and that worrying so much about finding a 'vocation' is exhausting, and that I really, really need an income, the physical symptoms of anxiety always seem to win. 

The worst part of anxiety is that it makes me sabotage paths to my one true dream and goal, which has always been to marry the love of my life and raise a family together. How can I possibly be a good wife or a mother if I can't hold down a job and bring in some sort of income? If I can't be an example to my children of someone who works hard? Thinking about this makes me feel so angry with myself. If I want a family so badly, why do I keep sabotaging myself?  

That's anxiety talking right there. I'll always be like this, I'll never have a job, I'll never have children, I'll never be a good wife or a good person. But, you know, anxiety can go fuck itself. On good days, days where I do my CBT homework and practice mindfulness and take things one step at a time, I can see something beyond anxiety and its beauty is what keeps me going. I see building a home with my husband, paying off my credit card bill and overdraft, gaining satisfaction from my job and raising children. I'm still working on how to get from here to there, but surely there's a way? There must be a way. There is a way and I'm the one who has to make it happen. 

 I'm looking into volunteering to get used to the workplace again, and I've referred myself for another course of CBT to tackle specific workplace anxiety. I'm developing two new blogs and pouring my heart into writing, and I've started keeping a diary again which is really helping me track my thoughts, behaviours and anxiety patterns. I've set myself the goal of doing one small thing a day, just one small thing when I'm feeling super anxious, to move me forwards. Yesterday I contacted my local IAPT team for information on further CBT sessions; today I'm developing my tarot website on Wordpress. Physical proof that I'm not in the same place as yesterday, as last week, last month, last year. 

I know I shouldn't be ashamed. So many people, too many people, fight anxiety and depression every day and there is nothing shameful about it. It is often a complicated, frustrating illness, but it can be overcome and I won't be in this situation forever. During good days, like today, I find strength in this and promise myself I am doing OK and making progress. I don't want to be so angry with myself anymore. If someone doesn't understand or has no interest in understanding, well, that isn't my problem, it's there's. Don't feel you should be silenced by stigma or ignorance. Sometimes people really don't understand or they feel uncomfortable for their own reasons. Encouraging conversations about mental health brings it out into the open and creates a safer, less threatening and less scary environment for everyone. 

 I haven't wanted to write an Anxiety Diaries post for a long time as I was determined that anxiety wasn't a part of my life anymore. But it is and that's something I'm slowly coming to terms with. It might be a part of my life forever, but that doesn't mean it will rule my life. There is no shame in talking about how you're feeling, or in asking a friend how they're feeling. I'm grateful for Time To Talk Day, as it's made me realise I don't need to be quite so angry, or quite so silent, anymore. 

   

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Find more information on Time To Talk Day here

If you only do one thing

We set resolutions with the best of intentions but sometimes they can start to feel a little overwhelming. Bridging the gap between dreams and reality isn't always easy to visualise, and although I do want to write a series about detailed SMART goal setting I think it's worth bearing in mind that baby steps and a smaller focus can work wonders in building confidence and instilling a sense of success. 

I felt a little overwhelmed this morning when reading through my resolutions and couldn't figure out where to start. Which resolution comes first? Should I work on them in tandem? How should I begin each one? What should the first step be? 

It occurred to me that by wrapping my resolutions in the above quote I can cut myself some slack, take time to breathe, and begin making my dreams a reality. If I make it my mission to do one thing every day that moves me forwards in some way then I can safely say I'm on my way to accomplishing my goals. Plus, through doing one thing every day in relation to those dreams I hold so dear I'm actually living out an aspect of the dream right now, in the present moment, no matter how seemingly small. 

Tracing each little step definitely delivers a self esteem boost, particularly handy when anxiety strikes and sends me into an action coma. Today I decided to contact my local Mind centre to ask about the discounted Reiki sessions and relaxation sessions they offer. This one thing connects to many of my goals: training as a Reiki healer by experiencing Reiki as a 'patient' first hand; finding healthy and productive ways to handle my anxiety; and getting out there and meeting new people, building links with the community as a step on my path back to work. 

One small action, but one connected to my goals and dreams. I'm not sure yet what tomorrow's action will be, but by sticking to one overarching resolution of doing one thing every day to move myself forwards on my path I know I'm well on my way to accomplishing all I've set out to do this year. 

What will your action be today?

Baci e abbracci,

        

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Hello 2014!

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a wonderful time ringing in 2014. I spent the evening having dinner and champagne with Chris, watching the fireworks on TV and toasting what will be a very special year for us: we're getting married in 23 days!

I've got lots of goals for this year and I'm going to be writing up detailed goal setting posts over the next week or so which I thought I'd share here. One of the handy lessons I learned during the employment and careers advice workshops for those with anxiety that I attended in the summer is the importance of SMART goals, a mnemonic developed by Peter Drucker (you might have heard of SMART in school, it certainly rang a bell for me!) SMART stands for specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and time-bound, the perfect blend for effective goal setting!

One of the main triggers of anxiety for me is feeling as if I have no control over what I'm doing or where I'm going. There's nothing more frustrating than knowing what you want to achieve but not quite being able to get there, and so this year I'm delving in deep when it comes to goal setting. Last year brought me the tools needed to work on my inner self and tackle anxiety; this year it's time for outward action! 

I'm grouping my 2014 goals into the following sections, and for each section I'll be writing up a special Anxiety Diaries goal setting post, developing concrete SMART goals and working towards achieving my 2014 dreams. What are your goals for the coming year? I'd love to know! Nothing beats buddying up with fellow goal setters for moral support!

Career

• Launch my tarot business (I am thrilled to be working on this! I have so many plans bubbling away!)

Study

• Graduate with a BA (Hons) English Literature
• Train and qualify as a Reiki Practitioner 
• Attend another tarot course 

Relationship

• Have a dream honeymoon!
• Visit New York in December before Christmas

Home

• Have a bedroom free from clutter! 
• Cook more meals from scratch 
• Indulge in more baking 

Quite a few goals, right?! With a little dose of SMART planning they become a lot more manageable and a lot more likely to happen! I'll be posting the first of my in-depth goal setting posts this week, so keep your eyes peeled. I also have one or two secret goals... You'll have to wait until New Year's Eve 2014 to find out if I managed to achieve those ones! Something tells me, though, that I'm in with a really good chance. 

May all sorts of great things happen in 2014!

Baci e abbracci, 

                                                     

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Goodbye 2013!

2013 has been a wonderful mixture of difficult yet amazing. To an outsider 2013 might not look too positive for me, what with leaving two jobs due to anxiety. Yet I do believe everything has unfolded how it was supposed to unfold in order for me to learn some pretty important and profound lessons. I'm waving 2013 a fond farewell and embracing 2014 with the understanding that 'everything you want is on the other side of fear' as said by Jack Canfield, and although 2013 has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster I wouldn't change it. I've learned too much to go back!

The ultimate lesson I've learned this year is to follow my intuition and quit hiding from what my soul is seeking. I thought I'd love moving from working in a school to having an office job as it seemed like a 'grown up' transition, leaving the school I had both attended and worked at for somewhere new. I told myself I'd enjoy a more administrative role, but of course I didn't because deep down I knew I didn't want to be an Information Officer. There's nothing wrong with the role itself, it's just not me! Then I tricked myself into thinking a-ha, if I return to a school environment I'll be happy again! It will feel safe and comfortable and cosy! But that isn't the role for me either, and that decision ended up exacerbating my anxiety rather than abating it. 

This time last year I was signed off from work on long term sick leave after having panic attacks and bouts of anxiety at work and at home. I felt stuck, confused and helpless. And yet in the midst of all those feelings, I also felt a sense of freedom. While some may suffer from anxiety out of the blue, I felt, and now feel very strongly, that anxiety was my body's way of sounding the alarm and alerting me to a truth I had been desperately trying to avoid. I was on the wrong path, and I was clinging on to the the wrong path out of a choice rooted in fear rather than in intuition. A year later and while I haven't re-entered the workplace yet I have a much better idea of who I am and what my soul needs. 

2014 is going to be the year I launch my tarot reading business. It's the year of business cards, tarot reading bookings, tarot events, tarot blog content and a tarot website. I am SO EXCITED to get the ball rolling and follow my dream of running my own guidance and healing business! I'm also planning to train as a Reiki healer, something I wouldn't have considered this time last year. I no longer feel lost. I made a conscious decision in 2013 to switch my thinking from 'I am lost' to 'I am found' and the effect has been astonishing. 

I believe embarking on a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy this year has 'saved my life' in terms of giving me the tools I was desperately searching for to live a life of happiness, and to carve out a path for myself that 'fits' with who I am and what I love most. CBT has enabled me to take full responsibility for my actions and choices, and to understand with greater clarity that thoughts are not facts... they're just opinions! The greatest discovery of all is that I can change my thoughts for the better, in doing so empowering myself and enabling positive growth and change. 

While my life might not look too different on the outside yet, I feel transformed on the inside, and I think it's beginning to show. When I talk with my friends about plans for the future I no longer feel so anxious or uncertain, and I think this change comes across in my tone of voice, facial expressions and frequent smiling! I'm happy that CBT has made me realise that I am the only one who can create the path I most desire, it's in my control and if I want something badly enough I can jolly well get out and make it happen! I don't feel as if I need anyone to 'confirm' my plans for me in order for them to happen; I am making a conscious choice. It feels exciting!

My favourite moments from this year include meeting my long lost cousins Pamela and Olivia, thanks to Ancestry and Twitter! It was amazing catching up in person and sharing family stories. I can't wait to see them again in 2014! I also loved attending an eight week tarot course in January 2013, as it strengthened my love for the cards and reaffirmed to me that I want to 'go pro'. It was awesome meeting fellow tarot enthusiasts, and I'd love to sign up for another course in the new year. I've read tarot for so many people this year, both those I know and for strangers, and it has been an absolute honour. I can't imagine my life now without tarot, as it's such an integral tool for me! Whether for meditation, self reflection or for reading for others, tarot has been my constant side-kick this year. 

Planning the wedding has taken up a huge chunk of 2013, and I can't quite believe that it's almost here! In 24 days (that's less than a month! Eek!) I'll be marrying the greatest person on the planet (not that I'm biased or anything) and we'll starting a whole new adventure together. I can't even begin to describe how happy and excited I am, and how much I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with the love of my life. The countdown begins as soon as the clock strikes midnight!  

Another  favourite moment from this year has to be my hen do which was just perfect! I had the best time with my friends and I'll never forgot everything Alice did to make it so special. 

2013 also saw the redesign of this here little blog! Before the Bluebird & the Robin my blog was called 'Thoughts on Things' which seemed rather boring! I thoroughly enjoyed renaming and then redesigning everything, Googling my heart out while wading through HTML and CSS, all of which I've completely forgotten now of course! I felt such a huge sense of achievement every time I managed to tweak the blog layout slightly, and when I finally managed to get a new header sorted I felt completely overwhelmed! Haha, I'm really proud of the Bluebird & the Robin as it was a real labour of love, and I'm looking forward  to posting my way through 2014.

With the revamp of the Bluebird & the Robin came my Anxiety Diaries series, which I've loved writing. I've always believed writing to be therapeutic and through typing out my thoughts and discoveries while battling anxiety over the past year I've come to understand so many things that I might have chosen to ignore in the past. I particularly enjoyed writing up a CBT based post exploring anxiety thought cycles, as well as the 'Do not be afraid to blossom' post and a post exploring the transformative power of 'I Am Found' thinking. I've got plenty more Anxiety Diaries scheduled for 2014!

 I've 'met' some wonderful, wonderful fellow bloggers this year. Megan from Southern Charmed in particular has been a fantastic anxiety cheerleader over the past year, always reassuring me when times have felt tough and lifting me up with encouraging and inspiring words. I value our friendship so much and it's all thanks to the world of blogging that we connected! I can't wait to see the unveiling of her revamped Southern Charmed blog at the start of 2014, as I know it's going to look amazing and be jam packed with incredible beauty and lifestyle content. Swing by and say hi, I promise Megan is the friendliest blogger out there! 

While 2013 has been a real struggle at times, the learning I've undergone has made it worthwhile ten times over, and I'll be forever grateful for all of the opportunities I've had this year to cultivate inner change. 2013 has most definitely been a year of inner work, whereas I'm predicting 2014 will be the year of outward change; a year of implementing the lessons I've learned and of using the tools I've gathered to create an exciting outer path for myself. I usually feel very uncomfortable on New Year's Eve as I don't like the 'unknown' that a new year represents. This time, however, I'm happy and excited to leap into 2014 and get to work! 

I've planned a separate 'Hello 2014!' post to follow this one, so I won't ramble on any longer! Wishing you a wonderful new year full of peace, happiness and joy.

Baci e abbracci, 

         

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Anxiety Diaries | Victory

It will have taken me seven years to graduate by the time I wrap up my degree next summer. I left school with straight A's at A Level in 2007, but it's taken me until now to race towards the graduation finishing line. Why so long? 

I've found one reason after another to delay finishing my degree for the past two years or so, and at the heart of each 'reason' is fear. I started a Twentieth Century lit module, and dropped it pretty soon after because it wasn't what I'd expected. I signed up for an advanced creative writing course having loved the intermediate course I'd completed the year before, only to withdraw due to fear of developing writer's block and failing the course completely. I started a history course but decided I didn't like that much either, so I deferred another year and signed up for a Shakespeare course. Along the way I've tried various different subject areas, studied part time, full time and then part time again. 

Which brings me to now. Two weeks ago I reached breaking point. I was in essay hell battling Macbeth and every fiber of my being wanted to quit. Not only was I in essay hell, I was in panic attack hell, insomnia hell, headache hell. I couldn't concentrate on note taking, I couldn't seem to string a coherent sentence together. I felt absolutely horrible. An all too familiar string of thoughts began playing through my mind: 'It's not the right course for you... You're just not clever enough to do well... If you mess up your final course it will bring down your degree classification... Wouldn't you prefer to try another history course instead?!' 

In the past, I would have listened to that voice wholeheartedly. Woohoo! Freedom! Another chance to get it 'right' next time. Yet this time, something stopped me. Whereas usually this voice would dominate, I could sense another voice, very faint but definitely there: 'pick up your pen. Pick up your pen. You're the only one who can work through this. Pick up your pen'.

I didn't pick up my pen. I resisted, and resisted and cried and panicked and resisted some more. The voice was patient. It wasn't going anywhere. It was as if I knew, on some small level, that I had to keep going, and that this was it: this was the test, a chance to change my previous patterns of behaviour. This was a chance to build resilience and it was a chance to be brave, even if the thought of hiding away was infinitely preferable. 

I was curious. What was on the other side? I'd been running for so long, out of fear of failure and fear of the next stage of my life being a blank page that I hadn't stopped to consider that the other side, post fear, post running away, post graduation, might be nice. The other side might be a good thing. I might like it there. 'The best way out is always through' so said Robert Frost, and I started to wonder if he was right. Wouldn't it be a shame to never find out? Hadn't CBT taught me that I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings and actions? That I have a choice and I can choose to stop running? I can choose to be... happy. 

It might not seem like much of a moment, but this was significant for me. It meant that over the past six months or so I've been growing a stronger voice within without even realising it, a voice willing to speak up when I'd rather take the easy way out. I was holding myself accountable and not letting myself get away with running. I was telling myself 'you have to face this'. 

So, after a prolonged struggle, I did. I chose to face it head on. I requested an extension for the essay I was supposed to be writing, and I managed to slowly piece together an essay plan. I wrote the essay, sent it and gradually began catching up on all of the reading I'd missed. I'm still a little bit behind but I'm still here, I'm still on track for graduating this coming summer! I'm still ploughing ahead, even though it feels scary at times. 

I've grown tired of having to respond to comments along the lines of 'wow, so... When exactly will you graduate?' I'm tired of letting fear dictate my life. I deserve to graduate; I work hard and my hard work should pay off! I deserve to move on to the next stage, be that further study or carving out a career path. Or both. Who says I can't do both?!

I've always thought I lack resilience, but I'm learning that with every victory, big or small, comes an inner strengthening and a stronger voice. I don't want to bury my head in the sand anymore. I won't let myself off the hook so easily. Victory feels pretty darn good! 

To anyone reading this and wondering if fear has the upper hand: you can do it, whatever 'it' is, whatever your fear. I promise. 

The other side is already shaping up to be all kinds of wonderful. 

Baci e abbracci, 

   

    

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Anxiety Diaries | Self Care

I can often sense when I'm headed for anxiety city, yet there have been so many times where I've ignored the signs instead of implementing damage control. It's important to look after yourself and listen to your body and mind, especially when it comes to anxiety. Based on my experiences with anxiety, panic attacks and low mood, these are my top tips for looking after yourself when you can sense anxiety is about to come knocking. 

Sleep, sleep, sleep

When I can sense anxiety creeping up on me, by tuning into how my body feels and the thoughts occupying my mind throughout the day, I know it's time to make sure I get enough sleep. I usually go to bed around midnight and get up at 7.30am, but if I'm feeling all over the place with anxiety my body craves a longer dose of rest. I try to be in bed at least half an hour earlier than usual, if not an hour, and I also take a short nap in the afternoons if I'm home. While it might not always be possible to squeeze in a siesta, adding an extra hour to your nightly sleep quota can make a significant difference to steadying your mood and calming your body. 

Eat well

Admittedly I don't have the best diet in the world. I'm a total sugar fiend and LOVE all things chocolate coated and I also love salt, so not the best combination! I have a tendancy to eat small meals and snack in between, but when I can sense anxiety bubbling away beneath the surface eating junk makes me feel even worse. Psychologically it feels good to take care of your health by making an effort to eat well, so I try to swap unhealthy snacks like biscuits and crisps for healthier choices. 

Almonds, Brazil nuts, satsumas, bananas (sliced and served with Nutella if I really need a choc fix!), apples, raisins, celery sticks with peanut butter, wholemeal toast, Babybel cheese, crispbread with cream cheese; there are lots of snack options available that require minimum effort, perfect for times where I'm suffering from a creeping anxiety induced lack of motivation. I also make it my aim to prepare at least one healthy meal a day, be it breakfast, lunch or dinner. A jacket potato with cheese or baked beans and a mixed salad on the side is one of my favourite choices, as it's warming and filling. The ultimate comfort food!

Get outside

The last thing I want to do when I can feel panic, anxiety and low mood descending is to leave the house for a walk, but once I'm up and about I instantly feel better. Leaving your house allows you to gain a little distance from your thoughts; your worries aren't going anywhere, so don't worry about 'forgetting' them for a while! I'm lucky to live close by to some lovely parks, so I usually head out for a stroll around one of them. I like snapping pictures on my phone as I go, as it gives me something external to think about and focus on. Plus, walking is exercise and your body and mind love the benefits of exercise. I always feel a little better about myself after taking a walk, and pounding the pavement helps expel some of that anxious energy otherwise causing the jitters. If I can't face a walk around the park I'll start with a walk to my local corner shop for a newspaper or magazine, and that usually gives me the boost I need to venture further. 

Write it out

I attended a guided meditation session at the beginning of the year that involved walking with wolf animal totems. I was skeptical at first as I'd never participated in an 'active' meditation before, one that involved movement and 'acting', but it was an amazing experience and I found it a wonderful way to tap into my intuition. This was when I'd had been signed off sick from work and was in the grip of panic attacks and daily anxiety. Towards the end of the workshop we wrote down any messages we had received from our animal totem, and I instinctively touched pen to paper and wrote 'write yourself free'. It's only now, looking back on that day, that I've realised the truth of what I wrote. I really have written myself free in many ways. 

Through penning this Anxiety Diaries series, sharing my thoughts and working through my feelings and fears, I've started to get to grips with anxiety and am no longer letting it totally run my life. I'm proud to say I've come a long way over the past year and I'm feeling very positive about the present, and the future!

You don't have to write blog posts about anxiety, of course, but writing in some form or another can feel very therapeutic and freeing. It could be a word repeated over and over, a phrase, a sentence, a paragraph. It could be a poem, an unedited stream of consciousness, a letter, a postcard, a quick scribble on a post-it note. Writing helps me unload and work through whatever it is I'm feeling uneasy about, before it begins to feel overwhelming and suffocating. I often ask myself questions when writing: 'why am I feeling wobbly? What am I really upset about?' in order to try to get to the root of the problem in its early stages. It's amazing what a difference writing has made to my anxiety journey. 

Set small goals

I mean teeny tiny goals! When I'm caught up in an approaching anxiety web I find it extremely hard to motivate myself to do anything that needs doing. Deadlines loom ever closer, uni work piles up, blog posts go unwritten and all I can feel is a strange mixture of panic and inertia. Urgh, it sucks! To combat this I've started doing two things: reassuring myself that this mood won't last forever, and setting myself very small goals every day. Things as simple as 'hoover my room', 'read two pages of a textbook', 'write the first paragraph of a blog post', 'read three pages of the book I'm currently reading'. I attach deadlines too, to really help add solid structure to my day. Reading might be given ten minutes, note taking fifteen, hoovering and cleaning twenty. Once finish a task I congratulate myself on finishing and refuse to get mad at myself for not accomplishing what I'd usually accomplish in a better mood. You've got to be your own cheerleader when the going gets tough!

Meditate

I used to feel that I didn't know 'enough' about meditation to practice it 'properly' but now I go right ahead and meditate in my own way and it really helps calm the nerves and soothe the soul. All you really need is your breath and you're set for a meditation session. I tend to meditate in the morning, sitting cross legged on my bedroom floor with my back resting against the bed. I start off by shaking out my arms before resting my hands palms up on my knees, eyes closed. I take a slow and steady breath in through the nose for the count of eight, then out through the mouth for a count of eight, repeating around five or six times. 

Once I feel settled and comfortable I start a meditation technique I learned during CBT sessions, which focuses on tuning in to the world around you in order to gain distance from pesky non-stop anxious thoughts. I begin trying to identify as many sounds as I can hear, which might sound a bit frantic but actually it's very relaxing! I don't pass judgement on anything, so there's no 'that sound is SO annoying!' I simply register the noise and move on to the next. 

A list in the morning might consist of 'the radiator humming; a car driving past the house; a baby crying; leaves rustling in the wind; a window rattling; a front door closing; a faint hum of a TV; a wind chime'. I settle right into it and am always amazed at the amount of sounds I can detect beneath the noisiest ones! It's a great way of gaining distance from anxious thoughts and it brings my heart rate right down. I finish the meditation with another round of slow and steady breaths. 

After a single meditation session my mood improves and steadies, and I feel far calmer and better able to embrace the day ahead. I can only imagine the benefits that come with daily meditation, my current anxiety busting goal! It's a work in progress, but I'm getting there! Meditation is for anyone and everyone, so don't be afraid to give it a go. 

Be kind

Perhaps the most importance self care step of all: be kind to yourself. Cut yourself some slack. Remind yourself that you won't feel like this forever and that you're allowed to take things one step at a time. Remind yourself of all of your fantastic qualities and achievements. Remind yourself that today is not the end of the world, and you will be OK tomorrow. Give yourself credit for trying to implement self care steps and heap on the praise when you do something to help look after yourself. Heap on the praise when the teeny tiniest thing on your to-do list gets done, and give yourself permission to step back from your inner critic with a firm 'Hush! I'm not listening to you today!' Think about how you'd speak to a friend in the same position, and be gentle with yourself. Do what you can to boost your mood but don't beat yourself up if you spend the day in bed watching movies on Netflix while eating your way through a bumper bag of popcorn (just me?!) Things will get better. 

What are your self care tips for fighting anxiety? I'd love to pick up some more strategies so do let me know if you've got something that helps!

Baci e abbracci, 
          
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Anxiety Diaries | Trust yourself

I've learned over the past few weeks that even when it feels as if everything is complete chaos, a part of me has it covered underneath the surface. Underneath the panic attacks, the fear of not being able to write or study, the feelings of frustration, the sadness that comes with feeling misjudged, the sadness that comes with uncomfortable change, somehow I've got it covered. My subconscious, my soul, my something has got my back and it will be OK. 

When I couldn't seem to write or study or rest, somehow underneath it all I was picking up what I needed to and soaking in more than I realised at the time. I'm still feeling a little wobbly and I'm finding it frustrating that I can't seem to write what I feel I need to write, but I think that's because I'm processing and reflecting and sifting through things. It doesn't mean I'll never be able to write! It just means I need to take it easy and ease the pressure. 

Whatever you're finding difficult, trust that your soul is doing what it needs to do to make sense of it all. Don't give up!

Baci e abbracci, 

                                                      

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Life Lesson | Be Accountable

Have you ever had an argument with a friend during which you've swung from anger to sadness, guilt to outrage, confidence to insecurity, back and forth a million and one times? Only for that argument to be swept under the carpet in the hope of avoiding further upset or the discomfort that can arise when having a frank discussion of your feelings and the feelings of those involved? Ever noticed how these arguments tend to rear their ugly head again months or even years down the line, as if out of nowhere? Unspoken feelings tend to fester. 

Being accountable means spending time figuring out what your real feelings are, behind the anger. It means being honest with yourself. Without honesty you can't apologise sincerely. Without honesty you can't be kind. 

Being accountable means accepting and understanding that everything you do stems from the choices you have made. You always have a choice. 

Being accountable means truly apologising for the hurt you have caused through your words and actions. It means owning and apologising for your part to play, regardless of how the argument started.

Being accountable means having, or at least attempting to have, an honest and open conversation with whoever you have argued with, and it means doing this soon after the argument, before it can be brushed aside or shrugged off. 

Being accountable means listening with love. You owe it to yourself and to whoever you have argued with to really listen, without a hidden agenda.  

Being accountable means keeping an open heart and mind, a willingness to appreciate hindsight and alternative perspectives. 

'He/she started it! Why should I be accountable? They haven't!' Because to be accountable is to be at peace. It's not about feeling forced to claim sole responsibility for a situation or 'admitting' things are all your fault, as everyone has their part to play and life is more complex than that. But you can't reach a place of inner peace, understanding and love, or understand and love a friend if you refuse to really dig down deep and get to grips with the emotional roller-coaster you've experienced, and take responsibility for the part you've played.

Acknowledging and articulating your feelings may be frightening and uncomfortable at times but it enables an understanding of why you acted or reacted the way you did. You know the saying 'knowledge is power?' Self knowledge really is self power. When you're willing to try to understand your feelings you're far better able to accept responsibility for your words and behaviours, your moods and emotions. You're no longer at risk of playing the perpetual victim. 

You own your shit. 

You're far better able to listen and listen properly. I know, I know... It isn't always easy to be accountable! I struggle with it and it's difficult when you're wrapped up in what the other people involved have said or done instead of focusing on your own part to play. I find that questioning myself, asking myself how I really feel, leads to a tentative understanding of my true feelings. What is my anger masking? What's really at the heart of the matter for me? 

Once I've started asking questions and demanding answers from myself, there's a far better chance I'll be able to understand myself, explain myself, own my shit and apologise from the heart. There's a far better chance I'll be able to listen properly and understand where other people are coming from. Brushing your feelings or the feelings of others aside constitutes a false apology. You want and need to develop an apology rooted in truth. 

Once you've had that conversation with yourself, you can instigate or participate in a proper conversation with the person or people you've argued with, aiming at really listening to each other and understanding and respecting each other's true feelings. They might refuse to engage, and that's their choice; but even so, through the process of being accountable you will start to feel far more at peace than if you agree to brush a situation aside and hold on to anger out of fear of momentary discomfort. It's better to at least try. 

Don't let things fester. 

Own your shit, be accountable, be at peace. 

Baci e abbracci, 

                                                      

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Love, Health, Purpose

I am a stress head. I find molehills and turn them into mountains. I pick, pick, pick at teeny tiny issues until they're suddenly 'The Most Pressing Issues Ever' and I'm tearing my hair out with worry. I am the queen of catastrophe! However, I also have moments of recognition, of realising that I'm actually blessed to be able to worry about such small things when there are far worse circumstances I could find myself in. My life is filled with good things. 

I'm healthy, my family and friends are healthy, and I am loved. I do not want for food or shelter, I am fortunate to have an education and I have gifts and talents I am fortunate enough to be able to cultivate and share. I realised just how blessed my life has been so far when my soon to be father in law was rushed to hospital a month or so ago. My fiance and I caught the bus into central London at 12.30am that night, walking part of the way and saying silent prayers. When someone you love is sick, every other worry pales in comparison. Material concerns suddenly seem wickedly indulgent. Love and health become everything. 

My father in law has made a full recovery, thankfully, and the relief felt when his good diagnosis was given was incredible. I do believe love is tangible; the energy in that small hospital room was strong, and although the result of difficult circumstances I'm sure we all gained a lot from spending so much time together that week. Before we knew what was wrong I spent some time meditating with my tarot cards, wondering if I should do a reading and if I was able to accept whatever might show if I did. I felt a huge responsibility all of a sudden; reading tarot is no joke! When I read for someone I'm taking their situation and holding it gently in my hands while being trusted with the task of aiding clarity and understanding. Tarot has the amazing ability to heal, and to read tarot for someone is always a healing experience in some way. 

I did go ahead and conduct a reading and it was the right decision as everything suggested by the cards unfolded and reaffirmed to me that I'm on the right path. The cards taught me in that moment to trust in myself, to share love with my loved ones and to appreciate the incredible blessings I have in my life. I've felt quite low and despondent recently, yet when I think back to my father in law being in hospital all I wanted for was good health and love. How easy it is to forget that so quickly! I have three incredible gifts in my life right now: love, health and a recognition of my purpose. With health, love and purpose anyone can achieve wonderful, spectacular things. Incredible things! 

I urge you to take a moment to stop, look around and count your blessings. It isn't always easy, by any means. Hello, I'm the queen of the catastrophe! Force yourself to do it. Be strict with yourself, discipline yourself, write a list if you have to. Commit pen to paper and commit to remembering your blessings. I promise your mood will begin to lift and your strength will grow. Great things will happen! Not least a deeply felt sense of gratitude for the good things in life, both big and small. 

Baci e abbracci, 

                                                       

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Turn that frown upside down!

Today I've decided to shake off the beginnings of a pity party and get my ass into gear. It's time to blog something positive and fun! I've had a think about the things that help me get out of a bad mood funk, and luckily for you dear reader (assuming I still have any left?!) I'm willing to share my 'turn that frown upside down' know how. Some tips are ridiculous but that's exactly what makes them funny and uplifting... hopefully! So, having a bad time of it lately? Read on!

Treat yourself to a movie date

 I'm talking me on my sofa, wrapped in blankets, chocolate to hand and a cup of tea within easy reach, a stack of DVDs piled high and ready to go. If I'm really pushing the boat out I don one of those uber attractive blanket-with-sleeves thingys. Ultimate snuggle-age! For me, it has to be a juicy horror film, the bloodier and messier the better. I'm particularly fond of old school horrors like the original Friday the Thirteenth and Candy Man. Scary enough to make me jump a little but with seriously outdated graphics and special effects to prevent total terror, these are the ultimate relaxation tool for me. Which might sound a little strange, but I find it all very cathartic! I don't have time to stress about life's worries when I'm knee deep in blood and guts, shouting at Kevin Bacon to look under the bed and pleading with Virginia Madsen NOT to climb through the hidden opening in her bathroom wall. 

I also enjoy a good marathon of TLC's finest shows, including Beverly Hills Bridal, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and Long Island Medium. I can lust after expensive wedding gowns and then cry watching Theresa Caputo's psychic readings all in one afternoon; I purposefully record every episode so I can binge now and again! Total relaxation. 

Shake it

When all else fails, turn up the volume and let loose. Dance like nobody's watching and have an absolute ball! My current favourite anxiety busting albums include Daft Punk's latest offering, particularly 'Lose Yourself to Dance' which features the dreamy vocals of Pharrell Williams. When I say let loose, I really mean let loose. I hate dancing in public but oh how I love dancing in the comfort of my own home! I sort of end up combining dance with a little gymnastics and aerobics (not something I'd ever want recorded!) and there's a lot of jumping, hair swishing and arm waving involved. Embarrassing, yes. Liberating? Absolutely! Shake it off, literally shake off your anxiety and worries, and get your heart pumping. Your mind and your body will thank you for it!

Pamper, pamper, pamper

Even on my meager budget I'm able to devise a little pampering routine for when times get rough. Face mask, toning spritz, deep conditioning hair mask and a nice body butter and I'm all set for some serious me-time. Grab a stack of magazines, run a hot bubble bath and you're good to go. There's something to be said for taking the time to care for yourself physically in order for your heart and soul to heal. Even if you're feeling super lazy and reluctant to do anything, I promise a spot of gentle pampering will help lift your spirits. 

'Me and the rest of my heathens'

The Nelly fans among you may recognise this lyric from 'Hot in Herre', the greatest Nelly song of all time. My fiance and I have discovered the perfect way to brush away wedding planning woes, and it involves one of us whispering any number of ridiculous lines from Hot In Herre, our current favourites being 'I was like, good gracious, ass is bodacious' and 'I'm leaving, please believe in, me and the rest of my heathens' before launching into singing. Why this particular song? For some reason it makes us collapse with laughter every time, and before we know it we've launched into a full blown rendition of the whole song, backing vocals and all. Pick a song, preferably one with ridiculous lyrics, and make it your 'happy song'. Don't be afraid to throw in some crazy dancing too!

Mix it up

 A change is as good as a rest, so the saying goes! Today I decided to have a rummage through my jewellery box with the intention of changing up my look, small a change as it is. Wearing a different pair of earrings to my usual pearl studs gave me a little boost, and made me realise I don't have to spend heaps of money on new clothes and what not to feel 'revived'. Mixing it up doesn't just apply to material things, though. Try taking a different route to work, or go for an autumnal walk over the weekend. See new things, bump in to new people and generally switch things up a little. It's amazing what a small change of scenery can do for a stagnant mood. 

Pictures, please 

While I haven't felt like blogging all that much lately I have been finding it easy to snap photos here and there. Instagram is my best friend at the moment! Quick, easy, satisfying and a nice way to take a peek at what friends and bloggers have been up to, I love having a browse and I enjoy finding reasons to snap a picture, even if it is just of my latest favourite lippie or a cheeky selfie. Why not?! You could even set yourself little Instagram challenges, such as recording 'a day in the life' or taking part in the #supergorgeousnov challenge. Having little tasks like this is really keeping me going at the moment and it's nice to stay connected when blogging has seemed like too much to handle. Plus, who doesn't enjoy looking through photographs? Making memories, baby! Here's a selection of my latest snaps!

Yup, there's the obligatory life affirming quote, engagement ring snap and selfie ;)

The history test

Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory got it right in last night's episode when trying to reassure Penny that Leonard was most definitely missing her while away/wasn't going to cheat on her with a randomer: 'In 100 years you'll both be dead and it won't matter anymore'. A little nudge of humour always helps lift the mood! Is what you're worrying about going to matter in a year? In five years? In a decade? In half a century? Is it an episode worthy of a chapter in your future biography, penned and published a hundred years after your death? No? Then try your best to shake it off and coax a smile, as living a life filled with joy is far more fun (and healthier) then one plagued with permanent worry. 

There you have it guys. My rather eclectic range of things I like to do to lift my mood and give me a boost when I'm feeling blue. I'd love to hear your tips and tricks for coaxing a smile, so please do share! Before I end I'd like to say a huge thank you to Mrs. ShuGar over at ShuGar Love blog whose kind words brought me immense comfort and relief yesterday. It's OK to admit that you're going through a tough time and perhaps the best tip I can give for turning that frown upside down is to share how you're feeling and reach out for support. 

Baci e abbracci, 

        

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Anxiety Diaries | This too shall pass

For the past few weeks I've been struggling with writing and posting anything on here. I'd like my blog to be a positive space but lately I haven't been feeling quite so positive and every time I try to write something it either turns into a rant or a pity party, and that's not what I'm aiming for!

I think it's a combination of having absolutely no money (hence no beauty review posts), a packed uni schedule and lots of wedding planning to contend with. I'm job searching but not sure what I'm looking for, which is adding another layer of anxiety and I'm trying to fit in tarot but keep coming up short and finding myself with no time to focus properly on anything. It's so frustrating! I'm a firm believer that we have to take responsibility for our lives and so I'm not aiming for a pity party at all. I just feel so completely flat at the moment though, and blogging has taken the brunt of it. 

Not having any spare money isn't much fun, although of course I'm grateful for having a roof over my head and hot meals everyday. I'd love to have a Superdrug splurge, or at the very least afford to buy myself a new pair of boots (the soles of my current ones have peeled off) or a new coat (there's a huge rip down the sleeve of my H&M coat) and to be honest, whether this is silly or not, I actually feel pretty darn ugly at the moment. Ugly and old. I'm wearing, on rotation, a mixture of summer tops from Primark and an old pair of skinny jeans. I know I shouldn't pin my self worth on material things (!), but I feel really quite horrible and messy at the moment. It's my hen do in a few weeks and I'd like to wear something nice but I don't have any money, so that's stressing me out a little. 

Uni has been a mixture of interesting and alarming so far. While writing my first essay of my final module I got myself into such an anxious state that I didn't sleep properly for four nights and I couldn't really eat much as my stomach was in knots. I hate feeling so tense and I know there are all sorts of things I could have done to calm down but I didn't, and so I felt rotten. Which makes me feel like a hypocrite for writing so many Anxiety Diaries posts only to fall at the first hurdle myself. 

I'm hugely excited about the wedding, of course, but the planning has been stressful at times, which I think is down to it involving so many people in terms of suppliers, chasing up information and getting all the little things ironed out. I'm looking forward to the big day arriving so we can get the show on the road! 

In terms of blogging I'm not really sure where I'm going with it. I loved revamping everything over the summer and it gave me such a great focus but I feel really uninspired at the moment and sort of flat about it all. It's like I'm dripping negativity everywhere and I don't want to be that person! I could kick myself because I know I'm the one who has to get things moving and make things happen; it's all down to me. I'm having a tricky time figuring out what to do, so I guess what I'm trying to say is bear with me! I keep reading articles about blogging and branding and self employment, all saying you need to maintain a consistent presence etc, which is worrying me particularly with regards to tarot, but my head isn't in the right space at the moment and I'm not convinced that spending hours online is going to help. Hmm. 

Anyhoo, things will pick up I'm sure as I refuse to be dragged under again by the anxiety demons. I need to sharpen up my CBT skills and spend some time sorting through my thoughts. We all have rough days, weeks, months where everything seems bleak and rubbish but it won't last forever. 'This too shall pass'. 

Baci e abbracci,