Life | Who am I?

Last night I went into total blog meltdown. I was trying to set up Google Analytics by tampering with my blog's HTML and of course, rookie that I am, I didn't save a copy of my template first. While deleting a piece of coding I somehow managed to delete lots of other things that rendered my blog's mobile template somewhat ruined. All of this was happening late at night, meaning I was tired and irritable before I even started! As soon as I realised what I'd done the tears began to flow and they just. Would. Not. Stop. 

I know, I know, way to make a mountain out of a molehill! I was so exhausted and so full of anxiety and so devastated that I had potentially ruined my blog design, which had taken me such a long time to create and perfect. It seemed like the biggest mountain EVER. My fiance tried to calm me down but it was no use at first. It suddenly hit me with full force just how much my blog means to me and the thought of it being ruined near about broke my heart. 

After the drama died down (with the help of my fiance and Megan from Little Miss Average who seems to be able to help with any and all techie questions!) I was struck by the importance I place on my blog and the way in which I feel it represents me. It gives me a sense of purpose and a sense of achievement, and I felt that if it disappeared, so would the 'point' of the last few months during which I've typed away consistently, day after day. I emailed myself the question 'Who am I?' and began brainstorming responses, sort of like a game of word association. The following isn't a poem as such, as when I write poetry I like to get really stuck in with poetic devices and techniques. I'd say it's more of a statement, unedited, as it came to me at the time. This is who I am. 

I am a writer.

I am a healer.

I am a student.

I am a teacher.

I am a partner.

I am a friend.

I am family.

I am an observer.

I am a participant.

I am a creator.

I am every word I've ever written.

I am every word I've ever spoken.

I am every word I'm yet to write.

I am every word I'm yet to speak.

I am every experience I've hidden.

I am every experience I've shown.

I am a descendant.

I am an ancestor.

I am a fact.

I am a thought.

I am silence.

I am noise.

I am music. 

I am the dullest dust.

I am the brightest star.

OK, so it might not exactly be the most profound list! It was spontaneous. It gave me a boost. I'm so attached to my blog because it's a form of expression and it's where I turn to when I'm feeling any and all emotions. Sad, happy, excited, anxious, scared, fearless. I come here and I write and I feel that I am 'me'. Yet at the same time, reading through my list, this blog isn't me. At least, it's not the only thing that makes me 'me'. If I ever manage to ruin my mobile template again, or mess up anything else on the Bluebird & the Robin, it isn't the end of the world. I still exist. I can figure things out and carry on being me while doing so. It's only a molehill!

The moral of last night's drama? Don't sweat the small stuff even when it seems huge! I got a good 'poem'/'statement' out of the experience, felt a true sense of accomplishment when reflecting on what my blog means to me, realised that these moments aren't the end of the world, and the support I got from my fiance and Megan was amazing. 

My blog is fine now! *Phew* I am fine. I am still me. 

Baci e abbracci, 

       

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