Life | Who am I?

Last night I went into total blog meltdown. I was trying to set up Google Analytics by tampering with my blog's HTML and of course, rookie that I am, I didn't save a copy of my template first. While deleting a piece of coding I somehow managed to delete lots of other things that rendered my blog's mobile template somewhat ruined. All of this was happening late at night, meaning I was tired and irritable before I even started! As soon as I realised what I'd done the tears began to flow and they just. Would. Not. Stop. 

I know, I know, way to make a mountain out of a molehill! I was so exhausted and so full of anxiety and so devastated that I had potentially ruined my blog design, which had taken me such a long time to create and perfect. It seemed like the biggest mountain EVER. My fiance tried to calm me down but it was no use at first. It suddenly hit me with full force just how much my blog means to me and the thought of it being ruined near about broke my heart. 

After the drama died down (with the help of my fiance and Megan from Little Miss Average who seems to be able to help with any and all techie questions!) I was struck by the importance I place on my blog and the way in which I feel it represents me. It gives me a sense of purpose and a sense of achievement, and I felt that if it disappeared, so would the 'point' of the last few months during which I've typed away consistently, day after day. I emailed myself the question 'Who am I?' and began brainstorming responses, sort of like a game of word association. The following isn't a poem as such, as when I write poetry I like to get really stuck in with poetic devices and techniques. I'd say it's more of a statement, unedited, as it came to me at the time. This is who I am. 

I am a writer.

I am a healer.

I am a student.

I am a teacher.

I am a partner.

I am a friend.

I am family.

I am an observer.

I am a participant.

I am a creator.

I am every word I've ever written.

I am every word I've ever spoken.

I am every word I'm yet to write.

I am every word I'm yet to speak.

I am every experience I've hidden.

I am every experience I've shown.

I am a descendant.

I am an ancestor.

I am a fact.

I am a thought.

I am silence.

I am noise.

I am music. 

I am the dullest dust.

I am the brightest star.

OK, so it might not exactly be the most profound list! It was spontaneous. It gave me a boost. I'm so attached to my blog because it's a form of expression and it's where I turn to when I'm feeling any and all emotions. Sad, happy, excited, anxious, scared, fearless. I come here and I write and I feel that I am 'me'. Yet at the same time, reading through my list, this blog isn't me. At least, it's not the only thing that makes me 'me'. If I ever manage to ruin my mobile template again, or mess up anything else on the Bluebird & the Robin, it isn't the end of the world. I still exist. I can figure things out and carry on being me while doing so. It's only a molehill!

The moral of last night's drama? Don't sweat the small stuff even when it seems huge! I got a good 'poem'/'statement' out of the experience, felt a true sense of accomplishment when reflecting on what my blog means to me, realised that these moments aren't the end of the world, and the support I got from my fiance and Megan was amazing. 

My blog is fine now! *Phew* I am fine. I am still me. 

Baci e abbracci, 

       

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Tarot | Weekly Draw | Five of Cups

The Five of Cups from the Robin Wood Tarot

Tarot Weekly Draw is a one card approach to exploring the tarot. Every Monday morning I shuffle my cards, cut the pile three times, reshuffle and choose the card at the top of the pile. The card that comes up contains a message or energy for the week ahead. 

The Five of Cups

At first glance the Five of Cups can appear rather frightening and sombre, a vision of mourning and of loss. Yet as with all cards in the tarot, there are good sides to the cards that scare us and there is always the potential for growth and happiness after pain and heartache.

When I see the Five of Cups in a reading I think of a period of sorrow stemming from having invested emotionally in something. The suit of Cups is the suit of emotions, of feelings. When we pour our heart and soul into a relationship, a dream, a pathway, a decision, it can feel devastating and extremely disappointing if things do not unfold as we would have liked them to. Sometimes it might be that past patterns of behaviour, or past patterns of thought, no longer serve us either, and this can also prove very painful. 

Yet although the shocking red liquid spills from the three overturned cups, two cups stand upright behind the cloaked mourner, a message of potential and of opportunity after loss. It is important that when we experience disappoint of an emotional kind we take the time to mourn, to process and accept our feelings, while hopefully gaining some comfort from the upright cups that stand waiting for us when we are ready to move forwards. 

As soon as I pulled the Five of Cups today I instantly recognised it's significance for me this week. I have been working hard on changing certain thought patterns that I have housed for years, and while it feels liberating to move forwards and embrace the new cups in front of me, it is also proving to be a painful journey at times. These are thought patterns that I have always relied upon, and to simultaneously realise that they no longer serve me but that I haven't quite secured positive alternatives yet is frightening at times. I've been having a bit of a wobble listening to other people's perceptions of me and my life at the moment, and I've been worrying about their thoughts and worries somehow knocking over my new cups and sending me back to the upturned older ones filled with anxieties and fears. 

There is no reason to be so afraid though. Everything in life is a process and I'm making good progress tackling my anxiety and establishing the thought patterns I choose to live my life by now. While those close to me may worry about me and while their worry can slip into anxiety which they feel I need to alleviate for them somehow, I recognise that this isn't really my job. I don't need to adopt other peoples' anxieties and 'solve' them. I can live by my new, healthier thought patterns, choosing not to fall back into my old patterns of worry and anxiety while accepting that people may worry about me anyhow. I don't have to convince anyone of who I am and the goals I now have. I don't have to cling on to those upturned cups; I can choose to leave them behind and move forwards.

While I may still be mourning the things I've been through this year, such as having to leave work and ask for help with anxiety, I know I'm on a better path. I have better cups to pick up and invest in emotionally!

What do you see in the Five of Cups?

     

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Review | Lush Catastrophe Cosmetic Fresh Face Mask

Yesterday afternoon I had my bridal makeup and hair trial (post coming soon!) which was so much fun and a seriously pampering experience! It's made me want to really kick my butt into gear and get my skin as sorted as possible for my wedding in January, and using a face mask twice a week is one of my beauty targets! I'm also going to pop to the doctor's and have them check out my chin/jawline as apparently acne here is hormonal and I'd like to make sure I don't have any underlying health issues before embarking on my clear skin routine. 

Alongside skincare I'm starting Blogilates tomorrow! It's a series of daily pilates workouts delivered online via Youtube and I'm seriously pumped to be embarking on the Beginner's Calendar tomorrow morning. Here's hoping I can handle a mere half an hour of exercise...! Don't laugh, PE was never my strong point!

Anyhoo, with skincare in mind I decided to make use of another Lush goodie this morning, Catastrophe Cosmetic Fresh Face Mask (£5.95, 75g) which I picked up in a haul a few weeks ago. I used this once last week and had a few reservations as a result but thought I'd give it another go and see how it fared a second time around. Unfortunately this isn't a glowing review as I've found the mask to be rather drying, which is a real shame. 

Lush market Catastrophe Cosmetic as 'a deep cleansing mask... designed for regular maintenance to keep the skin clean and clear'. Over time 'regular deep cleaning can avoid spots occurring and keep skin in top condition' (is it me or should that say 'can prevent spots occurring  Hmm. Maybe I'm being pedantic!) Packed full of soothing ingredients such as calamine, rose absolute and chamomile essential oils, softening Irish moss gel and almond oil, Catastrophe Cosmetic seems like a gentle option for sensitive skin, as recommended to me by a Lush Sales Assistant upon hearing my combination/sensitive skin woes. The main ingredient, fresh blueberries, are chock full of antioxidants designed to help rid the skin of impurities, and talc is included to draw out skin clogging nasties. 

Sounds good, right? Want to see what it looks like on?! 

Yep, super attractive photo alert! This is certainly a far cry from the gorgeous makeup I was sporting yesterday afternoon! As you can see, Catastrophe Cosmetic is a rather sludgy looking grey blue colour, with chunks of blueberry skin visible in the pot and on the face. It smells pleasantly fruity and 'natural'. Lush masks generally have to be kept in the fridge, meaning they go on super cold which I love! I guess if you're a little sensitive to the cold you could take it out of the fridge fifteen minutes or so early and leave it to warm up a little. I sort of feel like the blast of cold could help boot my skin into action but who knows?!

The mask goes on quick thick and you could easily get at least four of five generous applications from the one little tub. I like to layer on masks quite thickly so I can be sure my skin is properly covered, and with Catastrophe Cosmetic you leave it on for about ten minutes to work it's supposed magic... It soon starts to dry and after the ten minutes is up I found that most of the mask removed itself simply as a result of me making funny facial expressions! Anyone else do this when wearing a face mask?! It flaked off in clumps (sounds lovely!) and then I dabbed at the remainder with a warm muslin cloth before splashing my face with lukewarm water and drying with a towel. 

The first thing I noticed was that my skin looked a little blotchy and red in places, which I'd noticed the first time but wondered if it was because my skin was going through a really bad patch at the time. Today, however,  I noticed it was definitely blotchy and I also noticed that my chin (acne prone area) in particular felt tight and looked dry. It felt sort of scaly and dehydrated rather than soothed, which wasn't really what I was hoping for. A little corner of sensitive skin next to my left eye felt quite sore and looked noticeable redder than usual, and I had to apply two layers of moisturiser all over my face to rehydrate my skin. After using it last week blemishes didn't feel soothed and they didn't appear particularly calmer either on the day or on the days afterwards. 

I really tend to stay away from masks that leaving any sort of drying effect on my skin as the last thing I need is for my skin to over compensate with bucket loads of extra oil. Having used this last week I didn't see a reduction in the severity of existing spots and it did make my skin feel quite uncomfortable on both occasions, unfortunately. Perhaps it's the inclusion of talc? I'm sure I've heard that talc can be quite drying. 

I'm quite dismayed, especially as the Sales Assistant in Lush was convinced that this would be the right mask for me as it aims to soothe skin while fighting blemishes, but alas, it just isn't right for me after all. I've read lots of great reviews from fellow sensitive skin bloggers so maybe I'm just unlucky in my experiences. 

It hasn't put me off trying other Lush masks as I've used and loved Mask of Magnaminty regularly in the past and found it excellent at tackling troublesome spots and blemishes, although it's a little too harsh for the rest of my face. I'd really like to try Oatifix for dry skin and Cosmetic Warrior for acne prone areas. I just won't be repurchasing Catastrophe Cosmetic as it seems to be doing a more harm than good. 

Have you tried Lush face masks? Which one is your favourite? Or perhaps you have a favourite mask from a different brand? I'd love some recommendations!

Baci e abbracci,

                                                       

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