Thursday, 31 October 2013

Anxiety Diaries | This too shall pass

For the past few weeks I've been struggling with writing and posting anything on here. I'd like my blog to be a positive space but lately I haven't been feeling quite so positive and every time I try to write something it either turns into a rant or a pity party, and that's not what I'm aiming for!

I think it's a combination of having absolutely no money (hence no beauty review posts), a packed uni schedule and lots of wedding planning to contend with. I'm job searching but not sure what I'm looking for, which is adding another layer of anxiety and I'm trying to fit in tarot but keep coming up short and finding myself with no time to focus properly on anything. It's so frustrating! I'm a firm believer that we have to take responsibility for our lives and so I'm not aiming for a pity party at all. I just feel so completely flat at the moment though, and blogging has taken the brunt of it. 

Not having any spare money isn't much fun, although of course I'm grateful for having a roof over my head and hot meals everyday. I'd love to have a Superdrug splurge, or at the very least afford to buy myself a new pair of boots (the soles of my current ones have peeled off) or a new coat (there's a huge rip down the sleeve of my H&M coat) and to be honest, whether this is silly or not, I actually feel pretty darn ugly at the moment. Ugly and old. I'm wearing, on rotation, a mixture of summer tops from Primark and an old pair of skinny jeans. I know I shouldn't pin my self worth on material things (!), but I feel really quite horrible and messy at the moment. It's my hen do in a few weeks and I'd like to wear something nice but I don't have any money, so that's stressing me out a little. 

Uni has been a mixture of interesting and alarming so far. While writing my first essay of my final module I got myself into such an anxious state that I didn't sleep properly for four nights and I couldn't really eat much as my stomach was in knots. I hate feeling so tense and I know there are all sorts of things I could have done to calm down but I didn't, and so I felt rotten. Which makes me feel like a hypocrite for writing so many Anxiety Diaries posts only to fall at the first hurdle myself. 

I'm hugely excited about the wedding, of course, but the planning has been stressful at times, which I think is down to it involving so many people in terms of suppliers, chasing up information and getting all the little things ironed out. I'm looking forward to the big day arriving so we can get the show on the road! 

In terms of blogging I'm not really sure where I'm going with it. I loved revamping everything over the summer and it gave me such a great focus but I feel really uninspired at the moment and sort of flat about it all. It's like I'm dripping negativity everywhere and I don't want to be that person! I could kick myself because I know I'm the one who has to get things moving and make things happen; it's all down to me. I'm having a tricky time figuring out what to do, so I guess what I'm trying to say is bear with me! I keep reading articles about blogging and branding and self employment, all saying you need to maintain a consistent presence etc, which is worrying me particularly with regards to tarot, but my head isn't in the right space at the moment and I'm not convinced that spending hours online is going to help. Hmm. 

Anyhoo, things will pick up I'm sure as I refuse to be dragged under again by the anxiety demons. I need to sharpen up my CBT skills and spend some time sorting through my thoughts. We all have rough days, weeks, months where everything seems bleak and rubbish but it won't last forever. 'This too shall pass'. 

Baci e abbracci,
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Saturday, 19 October 2013

Anxiety Diaries | Belonging

The Fool from the Robin Wood Tarot Deck

When The Fool popped up in a tarot reading recently he couldn't have appeared at a better time. Lately I've been feeling like I don't quite 'belong' anywhere. I hadn't written on the Bluebird & the Robin in a while so I felt a bit outside of everything going on, blogging wise; I study from home so I'm not attending uni every day and meeting up with classmates often; I'm in the setting up stages of Bluebird Tarot so I haven't launched yet; and I'm unemployed due to anxiety so I don't have a job to talk about with my friends. Damnit, I just wanted to fit in 'properly' with a group!

The Fool goes about his business without worrying whether or not he belongs. Heck, he doesn't even recognise the concept of 'belonging', with his crazy two patterned pants and ribboned backpack! He plays his little instrument as he wanders forwards on his path upon the mountain tops, his little spirit companion at his feet, at one with the world around him. He doesn't sense any danger in walking forwards, even though we can clearly see the cliff edge he's approaching. He knows instinctively that if he carries on he will be caught by the universe. 

The Fool's focus is on his path, moving with hope, wonder and grace, content within himself and happy to welcome the start of a brand new exciting journey. He is willing to take a leap into the unknown. He is unaffected by material worries, relationship heartaches, the lessons and expectations drilled into us as we grow up and grow older. I realised while looking at The Fool that now is a great time for me to draw on his energy of trust in the universe. I've achieved so much internally the past year or so, even if on the outside it doesn't seem that way. I may not have graduated yet, or have a thriving business yet, BUT I am well on my way and if I continue to work hard on my goals there's no reason why this time next year I can't be a graduate and self-employed. 

The only one who can make things happen is YOU. If you're feeling stuck, if you find yourself at an in-between stage, if you feel like you don't quite belong; keep pushing forwards. Force yourself to keep going. You're the only one who can walk the path you desire, the only one who can achieve your goals. Live your dreams every day by dedicating even the smallest amount of time to them. I pick up my tarot cards daily without fail and in this way I know I'm on my way to achieving my goals. I'm achieving them every day, right now as I type, even. 

As for belonging? I asked myself, Fool in hand, what 'belonging' meant to me. Why was I so keen to feel part of a group? What makes a group, anyway? Who says I don't belong? Anxiety had been tricking me, and I wasn't going to stand for it any longer! With The Fool's help I chose the group of life, of humanity, of each person following their own path. Scary yet exciting, I'm dedicated to my very own path. I don't have to do exactly as other people are doing, or worry about 'fitting in'; we're all different. I've left the balloon stealing behind and I'm on my own mission. So are you!

Baci e abbracci, 
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Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Catch up time

I don't even know where to start! I didn't mean to take such an extended break away from the blog but I *think*, in hindsight, I needed it. Sometimes you just need to take a moment to collect your thoughts and focus on other things for a while. I've missed writing so much! I've been writing lots of tarot related things and writing up readings but I've so missed nattering away on the Bluebird & the Robin. This blog is like my baby; I worked so hard on revamping it over the summer, and I'm glad to be back for the winter. 

What exactly have I been doing with my time away?! Well, I 'moved in' with my fiance for three weeks as his family were away and it meant we had the flat to ourselves. I turned into a bit of a domestic goddess! I made some really tasty fresh meals, including a delicious Shepherd's Pie that took me a grand total of, ahem, four hours to prepare! What can I say, peeling potatoes isn't my forte... It was worth it though! I went for quite a few walks as my fiance lives near a lovely park, and I did lots of tarot readings. I've also been hard core wedding planning as the big day is suddenly right around the corner! I had my first dress fitting and the dress fits perfectly, thankfully! I was so worried as I've been non-stop snacking, I swear it's like I have no self control. Well, I do... I just really like chocolate *addicted*

A week or so in to our new domestic routine a close family member was rushed to hospital, and I had absolutely no desire to blog, to be honest. I felt as if I'd become sort of chained to my blogging schedule and had disconnected somewhat from the people around me. Having a family member in hospital was a serious wake-up call, and although it was a difficult time it was wonderful to reconnect with family and spend so much time together. My fiance and I were at the hospital every evening and although it was scary and stressful and I wouldn't want anyone to go through being admitted to hospital, I wouldn't trade those hours now as it really felt like bonding time. Thankfully all is fine now and the family member has made a good recovery. 

During this time I had some really quite incredible experiences with the tarot. One reading in particular was the catalyst for a promise I made to myself about my path. I figured that if a situation unfolded as indicated by the cards, I'd never doubt my abilities or the cards again, and I'd dedicate my life as much as possible to helping others, using tarot as a healing tool. That might sound dramatic, but it really did feel like an epiphany and I feel truly blessed. Keep an eye out for detailed posts coming soon!

I celebrated my 25th birthday last week! It was nice to be pampered and spoiled for the day, and I got some lovely presents including a Benefit makeup kit, Seventeen eyeshadow kit and lip crayon set and some Molten Brown bath and shower gel. I also got some brilliant books that I can't wait to get stuck into, including The Twelve Tribes of Hattie which I've heard so many good things about! Speaking of books and reading, I started my final uni course last week and I'm finding it an exciting yet stressful adventure so far. Anxiety-wise I've been doing really well but I am struggling a little at the moment as I'm putting myself under a lot of pressure, what with it being my final course. I can't seem to help it, but I know it's something I need to work on. I think because I haven't studied in a while I'm feeling nervous about 'forgetting' everything, and whenever I come across something I don't understand I panic and catastrophise! I like getting high marks and I can't stand it if my grades slip, but I know I need to be a little less hard on myself and take it one step at a time. It's a work in progress, like many anxiety related things are! 

I spent some time having a think about the direction of my blog and what I'd like to achieve. I think I'm going to scale back on the beauty reviews as although I love reading other bloggers' reviews I don't always feel as passionate writing them as I do when writing about personal development or tarot. It's likely I'll be introducing regular Anxiety Diaries, tarot and personal development posts and other lifestyle posts here and there. I'm sure there will be some beauty ones too! Just not as many as before. Plus, I'm totally broke at the moment! Every spare penny is going towards the wedding as we're on a very tight budget, so as soon as the bills are paid every month that's it, no spending! I'm so glad I got some beauty bits for my birthday as aside from the odd 'essential' here and there I don't think I'll be buying much over the next few months. Although I'll find a way to get involved in the Boots 3 for 2 Christmas gift offer as I do that every year... It practically makes Christmas, Christmas! ;)

That brings me to the end of my catch up ramble! If you made it this far thanks for having a read! Ooh and I thought I'd add in an extra photo of something I spied when out on a walk a few weeks ago. I wondered why I was so taken by this little tree I kept walking past, and then I realised: it's the Ace of Wands! The potential of creativity and growth, slap bang in the middle of the park. 

Baci e abbracci, 
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