Anxiety Diaries | Victory

It will have taken me seven years to graduate by the time I wrap up my degree next summer. I left school with straight A's at A Level in 2007, but it's taken me until now to race towards the graduation finishing line. Why so long? 

I've found one reason after another to delay finishing my degree for the past two years or so, and at the heart of each 'reason' is fear. I started a Twentieth Century lit module, and dropped it pretty soon after because it wasn't what I'd expected. I signed up for an advanced creative writing course having loved the intermediate course I'd completed the year before, only to withdraw due to fear of developing writer's block and failing the course completely. I started a history course but decided I didn't like that much either, so I deferred another year and signed up for a Shakespeare course. Along the way I've tried various different subject areas, studied part time, full time and then part time again. 

Which brings me to now. Two weeks ago I reached breaking point. I was in essay hell battling Macbeth and every fiber of my being wanted to quit. Not only was I in essay hell, I was in panic attack hell, insomnia hell, headache hell. I couldn't concentrate on note taking, I couldn't seem to string a coherent sentence together. I felt absolutely horrible. An all too familiar string of thoughts began playing through my mind: 'It's not the right course for you... You're just not clever enough to do well... If you mess up your final course it will bring down your degree classification... Wouldn't you prefer to try another history course instead?!' 

In the past, I would have listened to that voice wholeheartedly. Woohoo! Freedom! Another chance to get it 'right' next time. Yet this time, something stopped me. Whereas usually this voice would dominate, I could sense another voice, very faint but definitely there: 'pick up your pen. Pick up your pen. You're the only one who can work through this. Pick up your pen'.

I didn't pick up my pen. I resisted, and resisted and cried and panicked and resisted some more. The voice was patient. It wasn't going anywhere. It was as if I knew, on some small level, that I had to keep going, and that this was it: this was the test, a chance to change my previous patterns of behaviour. This was a chance to build resilience and it was a chance to be brave, even if the thought of hiding away was infinitely preferable. 

I was curious. What was on the other side? I'd been running for so long, out of fear of failure and fear of the next stage of my life being a blank page that I hadn't stopped to consider that the other side, post fear, post running away, post graduation, might be nice. The other side might be a good thing. I might like it there. 'The best way out is always through' so said Robert Frost, and I started to wonder if he was right. Wouldn't it be a shame to never find out? Hadn't CBT taught me that I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings and actions? That I have a choice and I can choose to stop running? I can choose to be... happy. 

It might not seem like much of a moment, but this was significant for me. It meant that over the past six months or so I've been growing a stronger voice within without even realising it, a voice willing to speak up when I'd rather take the easy way out. I was holding myself accountable and not letting myself get away with running. I was telling myself 'you have to face this'. 

So, after a prolonged struggle, I did. I chose to face it head on. I requested an extension for the essay I was supposed to be writing, and I managed to slowly piece together an essay plan. I wrote the essay, sent it and gradually began catching up on all of the reading I'd missed. I'm still a little bit behind but I'm still here, I'm still on track for graduating this coming summer! I'm still ploughing ahead, even though it feels scary at times. 

I've grown tired of having to respond to comments along the lines of 'wow, so... When exactly will you graduate?' I'm tired of letting fear dictate my life. I deserve to graduate; I work hard and my hard work should pay off! I deserve to move on to the next stage, be that further study or carving out a career path. Or both. Who says I can't do both?!

I've always thought I lack resilience, but I'm learning that with every victory, big or small, comes an inner strengthening and a stronger voice. I don't want to bury my head in the sand anymore. I won't let myself off the hook so easily. Victory feels pretty darn good! 

To anyone reading this and wondering if fear has the upper hand: you can do it, whatever 'it' is, whatever your fear. I promise. 

The other side is already shaping up to be all kinds of wonderful. 

Baci e abbracci, 

   

    

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Tarot Diaries | Change

Universal Waite Tarot Deck

New series alert! Welcome to the Tarot Diaries. I've wanted to create a tarot series for a while and have pondered long and hard about the approach I'd like to take. There are plenty of brilliant tarot card-by-card resources out there, and I wanted to try something a little bit different.

the Bluebird & the Robin is a very personal blog in that I'm always writing about my thoughts, feelings and experiences, and writing a generic interpretation of the cards just didn't seem to be working for me. A few weeks ago I started posting daily three card 'tarot trios' on Instagram in which I take a personal, rather than general, approach, outlining how the cards relate to specific experiences I'm going through. It suddenly hit me that this is the angle I should take on my blog; a personal approach simultaneously allowing personal reflection with a chance for readers to see how tarot links directly to 'real life'. And in line with my Anxiety Diaries series, naming the tarot series was a no brainer! 

I really hope readers find the weekly Tarot Diaries posts interesting and insightful, and if you're new to tarot then welcome! Take a seat and settle down for some personal tarot 101...

3 of Wands | 3 of Swords | The Hermit

The above tarot trio is one taken from two weeks ago. I chose to feature it as the first Tarot Diaries post as it carries some very striking imagery and the situation it pertains to is something ongoing today, albeit from a more peaceful place now. 

Immediately after drawing the cards I was struck by the two '3' cards, the number 3 in tarot suggesting movement and growth. The 3 of Wands, with it's flourishing energy encouraging putting plans into action, links directly to the energy surrounding wedding planning. We're in the final stages now and it's surprising how much we've still got left to do! It's a very exciting time and it's thrilling to see how our plans are becoming real. 

Yet with the exciting and energetic 3 of Wands is the 3 of Swords, which suggests an element of pain in moving forwards. The 3 of Swords links to a friendship breakdown, rife with miscommunication and unintentional pain, built up over a long time most likely due to not knowing what to say to make things better. No malicious intent; just miscommunication and buried feelings. Growing through this type of change is painful. 

Sometimes you need to sit with your pain and accept how rubbish it feels in order to understand it. I spent a lot of time a fortnight ago crying, shouting, and basically wallowing in how I was feeling, and sometimes that's necessary in order to work out what's really going on inside. I battled with a series of questions: Have I acted in the best way I could have? Have I been accountable for my actions? What am I really upset about?

The Hermit encourages taking time to sit with your feelings and ask questions in order to heal. We can't ignore pain. What am I really afraid of? That's the question I felt The Hermit was asking of me. My sadness felt disproportionate in some ways. I couldn't stop crying and I had a big panic attack and came down with a wretched cold and sore throat. It was as if my body caved in under the fear and upset I was feeling. I dug deep and realised that as well as being upset by the situation at hand I was also upset for other reasons beyond what was happening at the time; I was terrified of change in general and the uncertainty change brings.

 Change doesn't always feel comfortable and I hate feeling out of my comfort zone. Change is something I've always struggled with, yet through the CBT sessions I've had over the past six months or so I've started to develop healthier coping strategies and I know I'm much more equipped to face change head on. There's no reason to feel so terrified anymore.

As soon as I hit on this realisation, I started to heal. Change can be a real bitch at times but it's a part of life. I gradually started to feel less scared and less shaken over the past few weeks and I have a fresh determination to act from love and compassion instead of from anger and fear when facing change. The heart in the 3 of Swords may hurt, but it's also a vivid symbol of our ability to love.

     

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Sunday Gratitude | December 8th 2013

Happy Sunday! I intend on spending the evening snuggled up on the couch watching Christmas movies and chomping on some healthy snacks (more on that later!) I've had a pretty chilled week and weekend, spending most of yesterday indulging in a How I Met Your Mother marathon, and I don't feel bad about it one bit! I'm definitely a homebody at heart and love spending time pottering around the house. Here's what I've been feeling grateful for over the past seven days.

I'm grateful for Prayer

Last night I was browsing blogs and came across With Great Expectation, a blog written by a woman named Logan who shares her journey of living with PCOS and her experiences undergoing infertility treatment in the US. Logan and her husband Andrew are finally expecting their first child which is so exciting! What struck me after reading through a number of Logan's blog posts is her faith in God and her dedication to prayer. Logan and her husband have been through a hell of a time and their journey hasn't always been an easy one, yet she remains so positive and proactive. I find that sort of confidence very inspiring and uplifting. She peppers her posts with meaningful quotes and anecdotes about prayer, and I was completely absorbed in her story for hours. 

Although I was raised Catholic I'm more spiritual than religious now, but I believe faith and prayer transcend religious boundaries and are open to all. Prayer has always brought me comfort, and I see it as a form of 'targeted meditation', a chance to reflect on situations and put my feelings and thoughts into words, in doing so beginning to  process them. I guess you could even say I 'pray' with the tarot, in the conversations I have with the cards about the situations they bring forward and illuminate. I often pray intentionally to the 'universe' rather than to one God, and I find it a very grounding and comforting thing to do. I'm grateful that I'm able to pray in my own, and I'm grateful for the example of others who incorporate prayer into their lives in such a positive and empowering way. 

I'm grateful for Choices

Don't you just love strange coincidences?! As I was applying my makeup yesterday my mind randomly recalled a psychic reading I'd had emailed to me a year or so ago. Now, a lot of what was in the reading was nonsense and didn't transpire, such as me having a baby by the end of the year (as far as I'm aware, I'm not nine months pregnant). One thing she did say, though, was that a 'flair for numbers' runs through my family and that my future sons would be accountants as that's a career path tracing back through my family tree. At the time I thought this was crazy, as maths was without a doubt my least favourite subject at school and I wasn't aware of any accountants in the family. It then transpired that there are accountants in my family and it is a career that traces right back through my family tree for generations. Hmm!

This morning while having tea with my mum I mentioned that I'm missing working and really want to start looking for a job, but I'm still unsure of what I should be looking for. I want something that I find fulfilling and interesting, in order for me to save up enough money for the alternative therapy courses I've got my eye on. My mum randomly said 'well, have you thought about doing something completely different to what you've considered before? How about that accounting idea you had a while ago?'

Spooky coincidence alert! While I'm not convinced about this whole accountancy thing, I do think that looking in other directions could prove interesting. All I've ever really known is working in education and that's not really something I'm keen to get back into. I'm feeling grateful that I'm in a position that enables choices, and that I'm able to spend some time researching the different avenues open to me. While I'm not sure where I'm headed yet, it's quite exciting to be looking at a clean slate and feeling ready to move forwards. Wish me luck!

I'm grateful for Time

Some days it seems I get hardly anything ticked off my to-do list, other days I feel super productive and everything falls into place effortlessly. Monday was one of those days! I managed to get a fair bit of uni work done, scheduled a blog post, sent lots of wedding related emails and had a good clear out of my room. One of the annoying things about living at home is that all of my things (and Chris's things) need to fit into one room, my bedroom, and there just never seems to be enough space. I decided to embark on a huge clear-out in time for January, as I refuse to begin married life surrounded by outdated clutter! 

As much as I love my huge CD collection I knew there were CDs in there that I would never listen to again, such as freebie CDs from magazines and random singles purchased in my teen years. I bagged up a huge stack which freed up room for more books on my bookshelf, something I'm in desperate need of! 

I also gave my room a thorough dust and hoover (I do that regularly, of course, but I made an extra special effort to polish!) There are still lots of things that need to be either taken to the dump or bagged up for the charity shop but my room is looking much better and my desk area in particular is looking very neat and tidy. Phew! 

I'm grateful for Willpower

Speaking of the wedding, I'm determined to try my hardest to improve my skin as much as possible by the end of January and a major break-out on my chin this weekend has made me even more determined to feed my body better. I've been wondering for a while if dairy could be triggering my skin problems and after spotting a few bloggers discussing it on twitter I've decided to lay off the dairy for a while and see if it makes a difference. I've swapped cow's milk for soya milk and regular yogurt for soya yogurt, and I'm aiming to cut down on cheese as it seems to be all I ever eat! I know it's important to have a calcium rich diet so I'm researching calcium rich foods to ensure I won't be missing out. 

I'm also making an effort to swap 'normal' tea for anti-inflammatory packed green tea in a bid to clear up my skin, and so far I've been finding this quite easy to do. I love the taste of plain green tea so chugging back three or four cups a day is proving rather easy! The only problem is it's not great for biscuit dunking, but I guess that's a good thing really as I've been consuming waaaaay too much sugar recently, another thing I'm aiming to change. 

I've set myself the goal this coming week of starting the day with a healthy breakfast. I usually eat the same old slices of toast or bowl of Weetabix, so there's definitely room for experimentation! I'm thinking poached/boiled eggs, porridge with chopped almonds, yogurt with chopped banana... I figure if I can start the day with a healthy choice I'm more likely to eat better the rest of the day. Here's hoping! 

I'm fed up of eating unhealthy snacks throughout the day, so I'm on a crisps and biscuits ban and am aiming to snack on healthier options: banana with Nutella (so good!), rye bread with cream cheese and baby tomatoes, various fruits and veggies etc. I'm a pretty small person and weigh around the 8 stone mark but I am such a snacker and I always seem to reach for biscuits, crisps and chocolate coated cereal bars. I end up feeling sluggish and bloated and I know so much sugar can't be doing my insides any good! I'm feeling grateful for the willpower I've shown this weekend and I'm hoping it will see me through next week and beyond!

Reading back over what I'm grateful for, it seems this week has been a rather reflective one. Funny how some weeks it seems lots of external things happen, and other weeks it's mostly on the inside. I wonder what next week will bring!

Baci e abbracci, 

        

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